Thanks so much to all of you who offered prayers and good wishes for me getting into the ProstVac trial. As it turns out, Prostvac has turned me down.
It hurts that a little 3 week fling with chemo (that ended badly) continues to haunt me going forward. It was a mistake. I have admitted it. It is behind me. We are no longer involved in any way. No calling, no texting, no clandestine meetings at the hospital. I feel only antipathy towards her. Why couldn’t Prostvac understand this, forgive me, and give me a chance? I’m a great guy! Maybe it’s just immaturity on her part. That must be it! Perhaps when she grows up (and gains FDA approval) we can have another go of it.
When I first heard the news of the rejection (the nurse called me – so kind and courageous of her; she could have just e-mailed), I was furious at God. “Hey, I am just trying to stay alive here – how about a little help on your end?” But who knows what He has planned for me – either here or in the world to come? My understanding is so limited. I must not trust in my plans and schemes to stay alive. I cannot trust in clinical trials. I can only trust in Him. Even if He slays me, I can only trust in him. His plans will always be better than mine. I really do believe that.
Someone has said, “A blocked path also offers guidance.” So true. It is therefore time to pause, listen, and plot a new direction as to what to do from here. I have every scan known to man scheduled in about a week so we can look inside my body to get a better sense of what is happening there (you may want to avert your eyes). I am also talking with my oncologist about something really crazy (but FDA approved, rest assured). I’m not sure if it will work out, so more on this later. But for now here’s a hint:
Yes, that might be my blood swirling about soon! Am I weary? Yes. Do I want to give up? No way! We have only begun to fight this beast. Xofigo has beaten it back off of my bones, but there is a further assault being planned even as I write this. More about this soon.
Finally, a story about whether we understand even a little bit about whether the things that happen in our lives are good or bad:
THE KING AND HIS FRIEND
An African king had a close friend who had the habit of remarking “this is good” about every occurrence in life no matter what it was. One day the king and his friend were out hunting. The king’s friend loaded a gun and handed it to the king, but alas he loaded it wrong and when the king fired it, his thumb was blown off.
“This is good!” exclaimed his friend.
The horrified and bleeding king was furious. “How can you say this is good? This is obviously horrible!” he shouted.
The king put his friend in jail.
About a year later the king went hunting by himself. Cannibals captured him and took him to their village. They tied his hands, stacked some wood, set up a stake and bound him to it. As they came near to set fire to the wood, they noticed that the king was missing a thumb. Being superstitious, they never ate anyone who was less than whole. They untied the king and sent him on his way.
Full of remorse the king rushed to the prison to release his friend.
“You were right, it WAS good” the king said.
The king told his friend how the missing thumb saved his life and added, “I feel so sad that I locked you in jail.That was such a bad thing to do”
“NO! this is good!” responded his delighted friend.
“Oh, how could that be good my friend, I did a terrible thing to you all the while I owe you my life”.
“It is good” said his friend, “because if I wasn’t in jail I would have been hunting with you and they would have killed ME.”
~ Source unknown
I didn’t get in the Prostvac trial. Is that good or bad?
Think about that . . . .