You have been so kind (and persistent!) to ask for updates on my condition. I feel very cared for and loved by all of you. That feeling is such a good gift in the midst of all this. Plus, today I feel a glimmer of something I haven’t felt in some time: hope. It’s a wonderful word, isn’t it?
This quote from Havel captures my heart well, I think. Many of you have been so kind to pray for my healing and deliverance from this cancer. Please keep it up! But even if no healing should come, something deeper is settling into my soul with regard to all this craziness that has come upon me.
It is the hope that “all shall be well again; all manner of thing shall be well” (Julian of Norwich). This settling of my soul has come gradually to me in the midst of all this. But it has come. From this place of hope, I think I can now rest a little.
Being told you don’t have long to live creates all sorts of feelings. The emotional upheaval that follows is full of adrenaline, fear, confusion, and panic. Maybe it is these things that are finally settling down in me. In their place I am stumbling into peace, rest, and greater trust.
It has been good, also, to remember that my body and my soul are separate entities. One lives forever, the other fades like the grass of the field. When my body can no longer sustain my soul, it will die, but I will be more alive than I have ever been.
So I have hope that even if my life in this world is coming to a end, there is a bigger story being told by my life and the lives of all of us. Yes, this story we are all participating in is certainly a mystery, but I also believe it is good beyond measure. And so I hope from a place of trust today. I hope you do, too.
Now, on to news: many of you have written to ask how my date with Alpharadin went. We met for the first time last Tuesday at Moffitt Cancer Center in Tampa and we hit it off quite well. Lots of awkward questions back and forth at first, but at the end, the consensus was she is “perfect” for me.
The plan is for me to return in two weeks for a blood screening (after all the chemo is out of my body). If I pass the screening, I will be patient #11 in the program. The drug will then be ordered from Norway, and once it arrives a couple of weeks later, I will return for my first of 6 monthly infusions.
Apparently, relief from my bone pain could begin about 10-14 days after the first injection. Based upon that time line, I come up with March 21-28th until I am skipping like a newborn lamb in a field of spring grass (or at least beginning to ss some relief from this crazy pain). My remaining length of life could also be extended. All with few side effects. What’s not to like?
If you want more info about this new liquid radiation treatment, click on the link below. While it is still experimental at this point, the FDA has it on Fast Track status with a decision expected this Spring.
So today I hope. Perhaps this new drug will extend my life some and give me relief from my pain. But even if it does not, I intend to live forever as a man filled with great confidence and joy because I am a part of a story where “all shall be well again, all manner of thing shall be well.”
I hope this finds each of you in a place of peace, rest, and trust today.