I am breaking up with you. That’s right. I had high hopes when we first met. You promised me remission and better days. But it was not meant to be. Once we got hooked up, your words were empty and you made me feel like crap – all the time we were together.
You caused me crazy blood sugar swings, digestive (ahem) troubles, water retention, neuropathy, and fatigue like I have never experienced before. Sleeping for 20 hours at a time fatigue. Getting up and getting a shower and wanting to get back in bed for the day fatigue. The worst time were the weekends when we should have been out having fun together!
I know we were only together for about a month, but even in such a short time I could see that our relationship was toxic. You said you were going to take care of me – make me feel better fast – reduce the intense pain I was feeling when we met – but you couldn’t deliver. At the end, I felt worse than when we started hanging out together. It just wasn’t working out for me.
I admit Thursdays (chemo day) were fun (sort of). I met some great people. You, me and my daughter, Maggie, hung out together those mornings and had lunch afterwards. Heck, I even had surgery for you so that it would be easier for you and I to, um, hook up. But after skipping our date today, tonight I find myself smiling – I am already starting to feel better with you out of my life.
I know some people speak well of you – even say you saved their lives. But I just wasn’t feeling it. Plus, our relationship was short-term only. We both knew you could only make me feel a better for a couple more months. But even that short of a fling wasn’t doing it for me.
Besides, I probably shouldn’t say this, but I’ve met someone new. That’s right. My sister, Mary, introduced me to this smoking hot babe last Sunday. Her name is Alpharadin, or more formally “Systemic Targeted Radionuclide Therapy treatment.” She’s new and from out of town.
I’ll be going to Moffitt Cancer Center in Tampa next Tuesday to meet her in person (if she’ll have me). There is an “early-access” center there where we have a 2pm date set up. I’ll admit she’s young, but the FDA is fast-tracking her because she has been treating the other men who have been dating her so well.
I don’t think this will scare you, chemo, cuz you’re pretty tough yourself, but my new girl is literally hot because she is comprised of liquid radiation. Once she gets a hold of me, instead of attacking my entire body like you did, she will go straight to my bones where my cancer is hanging out and growing.
Once there (the trip will take about 10 minutes) she will then attach radiation to an antibody which then seeks out specific proteins on the surface of my tumors to deliver a very targeted radiation. These radioimmunotherapy agents bind to the cancerous cells and release low-dose radiation to attack my cancer. Technical stuff, I know. I think that’s why I am so attracted to her. I love hot tech!
I don’t want you to think that I haven’t checked her out thoroughly though, chemo. She comes highly recommended to me:
“We have patients with metastatic prostate cancer who experience extreme pain after failing chemotherapy, Dr. Michael Tomblyn said. “As long as they are on this drug, their pain is managed. Blood counts increase toward healthy levels, and side effects are reduced. People are living longer after this therapy, and they’re also managing pain. This is the first type of liquid radiation that not only gets rid of people’s pain they have from cancer that has spread to the bone, but also targets the cancer.”
So, chemo, I hope you can understand why I am leaving you. No hard feelings, I hope? You just weren’t who you said you would be for me. Remember, though, I went out with you first. I gave you a chance to prove yourself. But you treated me badly and we just weren’t compatible. A pity, really. But it just wasn’t meant to be.
P.S. There is one thing I am grateful for as I leave you –
I STILL HAVE MY HAIR!!!